The "Exchange Process"
It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared. I still like you, though." Perhaps it was because I lacked the emotional depth necessary to panic, or maybe my predicament didn't feel dramatic enough to make me suspicious, but I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control right up until I noticed myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn't feel obligated to keep existing.
It's a strange moment when you realize that you don't want to be alive anymore.
If I had feelings, I'm sure I would have felt surprised.
I have spent the vast majority of my life actively attempting to survive.
Ever since my most distant single-celled ancestor squiggled into existence, there has been an unbroken chain of things that wanted to stick around.
The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.
I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything.
I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck.
Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different.
Months oozed by, and I gradually came to accept that maybe enjoyment was not a thing I got to feel anymore. I was still sort of uncomfortable about how bored and detached I felt around other people, and I was still holding out hope that the whole thing would spontaneously work itself out.
Prehistoric Crazy-Bus Death Ride was just smashing a toy bus full of dinosaurs into the wall while feeling sort of bored and unfulfilled.
I could no longer connect to my toys in a way that allowed me to participate in the experience.
Depression feels almost exactly like that, except about everything.
At first, though, the invulnerability that accompanied the detachment was exhilarating.
At least as exhilarating as something can be without involving real emotions.
At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. So they try harder to make you feel hopeful and positive about the situation.
You explain it again, hoping they'll try a less hope-centric approach, but re-explaining your total inability to experience joy inevitably sounds kind of negative; like maybe you WANT to be depressed.
The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything.
And it keeps going like that until you're having this weird argument where you're trying to convince the person that you are far too hopeless for hope just so they'll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.
And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead.
As long as I could manage to not alienate anyone, everything might be okay!
However, I could no longer rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and when you have to spend every social interaction consciously manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable.
It's weird for people who still have feelings to be around depressed people.
They try to help you have feelings again so things can go back to normal, and it's frustrating for them when that doesn't happen.
From their perspective, it seems like there has got to be some untapped source of happiness within you that you've simply lost track of, and if you could just see how beautiful things are...
According to the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF), Sudan is home to more internally displaced persons than any other country in the world, with nearly 4.3 million people displaced after many years of conflict.
The [...] The Technical Workshop “Remediation of Radioactive Contamination in Agriculture” will be held at IAEA Headquarters from 17 – 18 October 2016. [...] From 7 – 18 November, FAO hosted a training-of-trainers on its Pesticide Registration Toolkit.
This Workshop aims to promote and share knowledge and experience related to remediation of... The toolkit is a web based handbook to support countries with limited resources in evaluating pesticides rigorously before they can be...
[...] The new Sustainable Agricultural Mechanization website provides an overview of Sustainable Agricultural Mechanization (SAM), describes technical aspects and explains FAO’s work in this area.
I remember being endlessly entertained by the adventures of my toys.
Some days they died repeated, violent deaths, other days they traveled to space or discussed my swim lessons and how I absolutely should be allowed in the deep end of the pool, especially since I was such a talented doggy-paddler.
But as I grew older, it became harder and harder to access that expansive imaginary space that made my toys fun.
I remember looking at them and feeling sort of frustrated and confused that things weren't the same.
Writing A Good Essay – A Newbie’s Guide Track Down His Writing.
Herm’s Sport Exchange will issue you a trade-in voucher for the value of your good condition used equipment. The value of your voucher will be deducted from the price of the equipment you are purchasing during your visit to the store. Your voucher must be used at the time you are trading in your used equipment.
In some circumstances Herm’s Sport Exchange will purchase your good condition used equipment for cash. Valid driver’s license and picture I.D. is required.